moving out

I know it's been sometime since I updated here. I bought a site more than a month ago, but with the holidays and work and everything else thrown in, it's taken this long to get it up. That and the realization that being Computer Science major and an IT person doesn't necessarily make me any better at designing websites.

I'll cease updating here, and will be going in the way of words + pictures thing instead from now on. Update those bookmarks and bloglines now... ;)

www.heyjayna.com

to you and me and everything possible

I picked up the phone today to hear a long ago familiar voice. And within a span of 5 minutes, he's sang me Ryan Adams' version of "Wonderwall" and made me laugh. These good times that never quite fit into the present and not quite the past.

Which really, feels as surreal as how my time back here has been. Firstly the jetlag that took at least a week to sort itself out, but really, getting a phone call from your teenage past is about the same as sitting in my old room back in Penang, to this room I barely recognize in KL within a span of two days.

I am back here, visiting relatives, eating Chinese New Year food.. you know, with abolone and oysters and sea cucumbers and all the dishes have significent meanings to them to bring me a year ahead of prosperity and wealth and happiness. (i wish it was as simple as eating right to make your wishes come true)

And also fielding questions from first aunt right to third cousins. Questions about UK and London and the whole experience of it (talking makes me miss my life there). Then I get asked a lot about the future too. Yes, the uncertain future that leaves me worried inside, and replying nonchalantly on the outside.

I am... I am really trying to enjoy these two weeks I have here. The food, the family, the friends. There is the adjustment to things... which when doesn't go well, I tell myself I am leaving again soon anyway. Then I talk to London friends and hear about Chinese New Year parades around Trafalgar Square, and Hitz.fm announcer talks about lanterns hanging on Oxford Circus (somehow London find me here even).

This two weeks' visit back feels temporary... and I know my time in UK is short-lived too... which leaves me... somewhere in between.

i will be braver tomorrow

For today though, I will spend my time packing my bags and waiting in airports. Leaving from Heathrow tonight and I will land in Penang soon enough.

(How do I feel about going back?)

This does not sound quite right to say but I was away for 4 whole months and never really missed Malaysia that much. There are things I missed for reasons only known to me... but even as I leave here to go "home", I know I will be thinking about you when I'm there with her.

these chances to turn things around

This hasn't been the best week.

I spent most of it over analyzing and worrying, just trying to make myself take action on things long pending. What about? Work, my direction in life... now that my 6 months stint in the UK is nearly up but I am not quite ready to leave just yet. And even as I try to figure things out, part of me resents that these practical matters occupy my mind and take me away from the things I'd rather be doing like, photography or hanging out.

Honestly? I was afraid all through the week... even when I finally made decisions and acted on them... when I talked to management, when I spoke my mind to him and especially when I admitted to myself the things I want so badly although they seem too impossible to want..

Sometimes it gets too much and I tell a friend, or mum and they always say the same things. That I've been doing fine all along, look at where I am now (in the UK, with an exclamation mark)... as if a life lived so far is a guarantee of one equally as good into the future.

See, I know it isn't. I always have this uncertain, fearful and yes joyous when they do turn out alright but it doesn't get easier (this is me) And this past week, I don't know if I did the best decisions, or if I will even succeed... and I wanna be brave and say it was the trying that mattered... but really, I am trying my best to just believe I will be okay no matter how things turn out.

a proper entry soon but for now...

this says it all

it snowed last night

It snowed last night! The first snow of the year, and mine personally too. Never lived in a place that snowed so I was pretty psyched about this all morning.

I actually got messages on the mobile about 7-ish, but being the non-morning person I am, I pretty much ignored them and went right back to sleep. Finally woke up to see messages telling me it's snowing in London.. only to push the blinds aside to see whiteness everywhere.

Grabbed the camera and took a couple of pictures, in my pajamas no less, and more along the way to work. It's just the surprise of seeing a place the way you have always seen it... wake up and see it blanket in snow the very next morning. I would have skipped to work if it wasn't for the sloshy muddy melted snow on the pavement ;)

Quite a start to the day but it all melted away by midday. Ah well, who knows what tomorrow morning will bring right?

you wont find answers here

Someone asked me, "What is the point of all this?".

And I want to earnestly ask what is the point of anything, cause really, I give my own meaning and you have yours, and here you are, trying to make me see it your way. I know I know, don't take it seriously and you won't be hurt. But as silly as it will sound as I grow older, I can only say I am guided by my heart.